If you’re visiting a lesbian bar for the first time, you may have a few questions such as, “Are all lesbian bars women-only?” or “Can I go there if I’m not looking to date?” You may even be bicurious, or not fully know your sexuality but still want to check out a lesbian bar. All of this is okay, and I hope to outline a few of the do’s and don’ts of going to a lesbian bar in this article.
Compared to gay bars, lesbian bars are known to be more chill, quiet spaces, although there are many exceptions to this rule. For this reason, if you’re nervous or just not sure what to expect, chances are that women at the bar will be understanding, welcoming, and kind, no matter what you’re looking for.
You Don’t Actually Have to Be a Lesbian
Despite lesbian bars being tailored to the aforementioned group of people, you don’t actually have to be a lesbian to check one out. No one is going to ask you your sexuality at the door when you go in. Many bars are women-only, but if you’re bicurious or just want to see what a lesbian bar is like, you’ll have no problem going in!
There are some other bars that are “mix bars”, or all-gender bars, that still cater primarily to lesbians. Bar Gold Finger, a famous lesbian bar in Shinjuku Nichome, has “mix nights” as well as women-only nights, so there really is a chance for everyone to go if they want to.
When I went into my first lesbian bar in Nichome, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’m bisexual, but my attraction leans more towards men, so I felt a little bit fake going into a lesbian bar. However, once I got into Model Tokyo, the bar that I chose, I was greeted with nothing but kindness. Well, maybe a little bit more than kindness.
One of the bartenders immediately started flirting with me, which I didn’t expect at all. It was very casual and not at all threatening, but it was a little awkward. I’m not saying that every lesbian bar will have bartenders who flirt with you, in fact, most probably won’t. But it’s a good idea to expect it as a possibility so you won’t be surprised if it does happen. I’ll get more into this later.
Also, even though you may not be a lesbian (or maybe you are), be prepared for people to ask you about your sexuality. This is something that caught me slightly off guard when I went into my first lesbian bar. Somebody asked me, “So, are you a lesbian or are you just here to see what it’s like?” In any case, at least be confident in your ability to talk a little about your sexuality before going in.
Getting to Know Others in a Lesbian Bar
But what if you are going to a lesbian bar to date? Whether you’re looking to find a girlfriend or just for some short-term fun, here are a few tips on how to smoothly start talking and connecting with other women. (As a disclaimer: I’m not a lesbian, and so I don’t have as much experience dating women as others, but I can share my experience about what’s worked when it comes to meeting women at a lesbian bar.)
If you’re interested in a girl but too afraid to talk to her, buy her a drink! This is a clear-cut way to show a girl that you like her, and it doesn’t require any talking. Though, it may be a good idea to buy her one that almost everyone likes, such as a lemon sour or a whiskey highball, because buying her something like an amaretto sour with extra whipped cream may make her turn her nose up at it, you never know!
If you want to date women outside of the Anglosphere (probably the majority of the women at a bar in Nichome), it’s a good idea to learn some Japanese beforehand. Even some very simple conversational Japanese will go a long way, and will show a woman that you care about her culture and are legitimately interested in and respectful of Japan. Just making an effort to speak some Japanese is bound to get a positive reaction.
Also, as I implied before, it’s not completely taboo to ask someone about their sexuality in Nichome – but don’t just jump right to it. Let the topic come up naturally in conversation.
What If You’re Not Looking to Date?
If you’re not going to a lesbian bar to date, that’s completely fine. Many women who are already happily coupled go to lesbian bars together to meet more sapphic friends. Or, even if you’re single, like I was, you can just go to see what a women-only bar is like. Since women-only spaces in the club scene are pretty rare, it might be tempting just to go to a space where there won’t be creepy men who touch your ass as they pass by you to “move you out of the way.”
The only thing you should remember to do is state your intentions clearly. If someone asks you what you’re here for, just tell them the truth. Whether it may be that you’re looking to date or not, both are okay.
Also, it’s fine to ask for someone’s social media, such as Instagram or Line (Japan’s most popular messaging app), without implying that you’re into them. If you’re having a conversation with someone and having a good time, it’s completely normal to want to keep in contact with them. However, state clearly that you just want to be friends before getting their socials.
Now that I mention it, it’s also a good idea to download Line before going to any bar in Nichome, since this is what the majority of people you meet there will use for messaging.
Receiving a Drink in a Lesbian Bar
Someone at a lesbian bar buying you a drink might either be surprising or flattering. I don’t exactly have experience with this because when someone bought me a drink, she also bought one for everyone else at the bar, so her intentions were clearly not to flirt with me. (At small Japanese bars in general, there usually aren’t more than five patrons at a time.)
The bartender will probably point out to you who bought you the drink. Then, it’s your job to discreetly look at them and see if you’re interested in them. Whether you are or not, remember to state your intentions clearly. It’s better to be upfront with someone if you aren’t interested, and just let them know outright so that they can move on. It may seem rude to say so bluntly that they’re not your type. But, again, it’s better than stringing someone along for hours.
If you are interested, then there’s no reason not to get talking, maybe share your Line and other socials, and if you can, show off your Japanese!
What If the Bartender Flirts With You?
Okay, this might just be something that happened to me and doesn’t actually occur very often. But if it does happen, here’s what to do!
First, keep in mind that she might just be flirting with you as part of her job. If a pretty bartender flirting with customers keeps them at the bar and ordering more drinks, then there’s a direct economic incentive for her to keep doing so. Keep this in mind if you start to think that she really is interested in you.
Second, if you find it to be awkward or embarrassing, just politely change the subject or make a joke out of it. When the bartender flirted with me, I kept making slightly self-deprecating jokes to try to change the mood, and I guess it worked. Hopefully, if you respond with a clearly non-flirtatious joke that’s still funny, she’ll get the picture and move on. Or, if all else fails, just tell her to cut it out.
However, if you do want to flirt back, go for it! But always remember that she’s being paid to be friendly, so don’t get too jealous if she starts chatting up other ladies.
Ready to Explore the Great Lesbian Bars of Nichome?
Lesbian bars have a distinctly different vibe than gay bars in Nichome, so don’t be surprised that not all of them are party central, though some of them definitely are. Hopefully this article has given you some insight into the key rules of etiquette to keep in mind when going to a lesbian bar. Whatever your motivation to visit may be, be prepared to meet some cool people and to have a distinctly woman-centric time!
Want to experience a lesbian bar for yourself? Check out this article.
